Letting Go

Morning blogiverse 

This past summer has been a difficult one and not because of the CVS

Sadly I have never had to deal with so much death in my whole life then I've had this summer! 

But all my feelings with the death have greatly affected my recovery and has taught me so much at the same time! 

At the beginning of the summer my two younger sisters (who are 19 and 20) lost their very best friend, Katie! This young lady died at 17. It was extremely tragic for not only my sisters but for me as well. With such the big age gap between me and my sisters I became an older sister type for a lot of their friends. Which I loved!! 

Katie's mom and my mom were really close friends while I was growing up and I had the pleasure of watching Katie grow up since she was 8 years old! I used to babysit her and her younger sister! 

It had to be the saddest funeral I have ever been to in my entire life! And that includes my Great-grandmother's. 

I had to be the big sister to both my sisters as well as my old step-brother and I didn't leave enough time for myself to grieve as well. My sisters took her death very hard, because why wouldn't they, and I saw it as my job to protect them, to help them, to console them! 

I got lost in helping other people and ignored my own feelings and it lead to the day of the funeral service itself that I just broke down! The amount of love I felt for Katie during her funeral was remarkable! Many of her close friends spoke at her funeral! My old step-brother was the closest to her and he came to Ontario from Nova Scotia when I told him what had happened. He wanted to pay his respects to the family by sharing some happy memories of Katie but he couldn't speak! He asked me to go to the front of the room with him while he said what he had to and the podium was vibrating from all the shaking he was doing. I literally had to hold him up! 

After the funeral I called all of my friends just simply to tell them that I loved them because you really don't know when its going to be the last time you're going to talk to them. 

It's been a few months since Katie's funeral and my sisters are still having an extremely hard time dealing with this! My heart still hurts for them! 

I took this picture of my two sisters and all of their friends when my youngest sister graduated high school! Katie is the beautiful girl with the vibrant red hair! She was one of a kind!

As well as Katie that week we lost two distant relatives, who lived in Nova Scotia, due to cancer. My mother took this harder because it was the last living sibling of her father, who died of diabetes when my mother was 9, and there was now no more pieces of him left. 

Although I reminded her that she was a remaining piece she still has a hard time with it. 

Last week my cousin called me to give me more terrible news! A lot of my father's family lives in Northern Ontario, where I have visited every year my entire life! My fathers parents still live up there. 

As the years went on and I grew older I became closer with a lot of these family members (who all live on one street - I told you its Northern Ontario lol). My Great Uncle, who is my favourite to visit up there, went to the doctors and was told he had both lung cancer and a brain tumour, and they gave him 2 months to live. 

Honestly I'm having a really hard time knowing that he's suffering up there and I'm a 5 hour drive away, without a licence. There are plans for a few of my cousins to go up within the next couple of months to say goodbye. But honestly I think that's going to be harder then going to a funeral and celebrating someones life. How am I going to say goodbye to someone I have known my whole life and them say goodbye right back to you! I don't think its going to be easy. I'm having a hard time even thinking about that conversation. 

He doesn't want anybody to know about the cancer because he doesn't want people to treat him any differently, but he needs help! He needs love! He needs family! And that is the reason I'm going to suck up my feelings and go and say goodbye. 

I'm going to have a hard time letting go 

I'm going to have a hard time letting go once the unthinkable happens 

But Katie's death has helped me a lot! I see her mother and her sister and she that you can learn to cope with everything. That you have to accept other peoples help to survive. That's not a crime! There's no such thing as letting go in this circumstance, there such thing as moving on! 

I need to remember the good times, not the sad! I need to remember sitting in my Uncles kitchen singing a terrible version of some Spice Girls song and him telling me I should go on American Idol. Or the fact that I doodle every time I'm at his place and he hangs everything on his kitchen wall. I need to remember his hick ways! The fact he doesn't believe in shampoo or me having to try and explain to him what a "homie" is. 

Here's a funny video of my Uncle for you all... 

https://www.facebook.com/jennelba/videos/154599622383/

With lots of love, 

Samantha 

Transformation Tuesday

Hello blogger world! 

Hopefully your Mondays weren't too bad! Mine was pretty good! Long but pretty good! I've always understood why Garfield hated Mondays! That cat knows it all.. I'm serious! 

LOL! 

In my previous posts I've talked about how CVS has made me loose 100 pounds! It's not always the nicest way to loose weight, but I've been able to maintain this weight for over a year so for that I'm thankful!! And proud!! 

As a child I always had weight issues. My mom and my two younger sisters have always been stick figures and as a child I had curves from the moment I hit puberty. Now I love my curves, but then I didn't see the value in them. I was made fun of for my weight, and for my larger then life boobs! (Some of which was due to the weight) 

They truly had a mind of their own! They need their own area code.. 

My second year of University during Reading Week

Boys never wanted to talk to me, and girls were always just plain mean! Bullying is never the answer and will cause serious damage in peoples lives!! It took me until I graduated high school and got away from those people that I really started accepting myself for who I was. 

On the left was me about 5-6 years ago and the right was at the beginning of July at my cousins wedding! 

I always struggled with my weight as a child and as a teenager! I never fit in anywhere, couldn't find clothes that fit me properly and was always sitting at home stuffing my face with potato chips! It was a sad life! Once I moved out and started buying my own food I stopped buying snacks and only had enough food for myself for the weekly meals. It worked and in my first year outside of the house I lost roughly 20 pounds. But that wasn't enough. 

I never stepped on a scale when I was bigger. I was afraid of what it was going to say. But after I got CVS I dropped down to 132 pounds! Which may seem like a healthy weight, but honestly on me it didn't look healthy. I looked sick! You could tell I had lost the remaining of the weight by vomiting. I looked like a different person and the people I went to high school with passed me on the streets without even knowing who I was. 

After I got my vomiting under control I started gaining the weight back. My problem is I'm a food lover! I don't get diets, I suck at diets! I love the taste of food. Diets aren't for everyone and they really aren't for me!

I got really unhappy about the weight gain! I loved how much attention I was getting for now being skinny and looking good. I loved when people said that to me. No one had ever told me how good I was looking lately and I craved it! 

My roommate saw a WagJag for a local 5k with Run or Dye and signed us up! It was going to be fun and I started looking forward to it. We were stupid and didn't train at all and had friends over the evening before and drank maybe a little bit too much wine for having to go for a run at 7:30 in the morning. 

After having to cab down the street because we were running late we made it and we ran our hearts out! We did our 5k in a little over 35 minutes! Which is amazing now being a runner. I can't get my time that good today!! Mostly because I now run on a treadmill and my speed is kept for me and let me tell you I DIED during that 5k many a times because I was running too fast! 

But we did and we loved it!! 

From this day I started running. I left that day feeling AMAZING! I didn't realize how much running could help my anxiety. Yes my doctor told me time and time again that it helped but WOW! I was amazed at the results!! 

I joined a gym and started running!! I lost more weight and started gaining muscle! I started looking healthy again! Yes I gained some weight because of the muscle but that's okay! I'm not a stick and nor do I want to be. I'm now at a healthy weight and I exercise regularly. 

I still love my food and I still do not diet! I eat fast food... a lot.. and when I do cook its mostly carbs but I don't care. That's why I go to the gym! 

This next year I'm going to be doing a Tough Mudder!!! I'm so excited for spring to come so there's lots of mud!! The harder the better! 

I never used to see myself wanting to do things like this and laughed at the people who did, but seriously it was the best decision I ever made running that 5k! And I'll never look back. 

With lots of love, 

Samantha 

Weekend Recap

Sadly it's Monday again. Back to the real world. 

Me and the real world are not the best of friends. I still find it difficult to get myself out of bed in the morning and convince myself to go to work. 

Its days like this when I wake up nauseous I know my struggle with CVS isn't over. 

I may not let it get to the point of actual vomiting but the nausea is still enough for me. 

I'm done with it and I'm ready for it to be over with. 

Will it ever be over or will I live like this the rest of my life? 

Something doctors have never been able to answer me. 

ANNNNNYWAAAAYS... 

My weekend was fantastic! Although it rained both full days that we were at the cottage there's something so relaxing and peaceful about hearing the rain hit the lake!

It was a successful girls weekend!! There was wine! Cheese plates! and more wine! 

I honestly couldn't have asked for a more relaxing time!! 

The drive up Thursday night was fast! Thankfully there wasn't much traffic because a 3 hour car ride can easily turn into a 6 hour really quick! 

Friday morning at least there was some sun for about 3 hours so I got to sit on the dock drink my coffee and eventually move onto to beer! We sat there for awhile talked, read cosmos and just enjoyed each others company! What else could a girl want?!

I was a history major in University and have always loved shows that take place in older time periods and this weekend my roommates mom showed me Outlander! And I quickly became obsessed!! 

I made them watch 5 episodes! So once it started raining we headed inside and enjoyed a good binge session! Seriously my roommates mom is the best! I just love her!!
 Later I showed her Chicago Fire and she returned the favour! (Not that I minded in the slightest!! I LOVE me some Severide!)

before the rain!

Saturday it was raining for the moment I woke up until the moment I went to bed! It was impossible to get pictures of anything because it was downpour! The lake was empty and I was getting wet sitting underneath the open window! Not that I minded the air smelled so fresh!!
So I settled for taking a million and one selfies! Don't worry I'll only show you a couple!

Sunday we drove back the 3 hours but of course it was the only day that we were there that had sun! So we stayed as long as we could until the dreaded drive back to reality. I got to try the pano and got this sweet photo from the dock! 

Isn't it breath-taking?! 

The sun was so warm that day I actually got to go into the lake for a bit! I was thankful it was warm because I'm a baby when it goes to cold water! I'm not the biggest fan! Someone point me to the nearest heated pool! Because that's where I'll be! 

I laid on the dock, read my book and enjoyed my last day before heading back to work!

Side note, I think I may be a distant relative of Elvis because I have been smiling with half of my mouth for as long as I remember! 

Next time I visit my mom I'll do a old school photos post and you'll see what I'm talking about! It became a family joke quickly! 

Once we got back home this little guy was super excited to see his Moms! He missed us while we were away! I needed a break from his excessive meowing so it was nice, but I will forever miss this cute little face whenever he's not around! 

#crazycatlady #andidontcare 

Well that was my weekend!! It was great and now I must go back to work, back to the real world. Somewhere I truly truly do not want to be! 

If you guys wanted to follow me a little more closely give me a follow on the gram! 

@samanthaanderso

Sorry I don't tweet or use Facebook or anything like that! I'm more of a picture gal and my Instagram will show that! 

With lots of love, 

Samantha 

TGIF

It's Friday, It's Friday!! 

I've been singing that all day!! Not only because its Friday but because its a cottage weekend!!! 

I'm spending now until Sunday in this beautiful place!! 

On Monday I'll give a full recap with TONS of photos from this beautiful place!

Like this of all the Rock Walls on the drive up!

Sidenote!!! I'm trying to set up my blog with lots of entertaining/fashion/lifestyle/health things! What would you guys like for me to blog about? I was thinking Friday could a recap of TGIT or I as like to call Shonda Thursdays! 

Is it time for Scandal and How to Get Away with Murder to come back yet?! 

And I'm still protesting Greys' with the maddening departure of McDreamy!

Leave your suggestions in the comments and I'll be sure to blog about each and every one of them!! 

It may just take awhile ;p 

Have a fabulous weekend!!

With lots of love, 

Samantha 

Thursdays Thoughts

I'm going to try every Thursday to do Thursday Thoughts. 

Hopefully I will be able to have enough things to say that I'll be able to right a blog post every Thursday but we'll see how it goes! 

1. Mental illness is a never ending battle 
2. I will try to stop defining myself as a person with mental illness
3. I want to let this blog be my outlet. To try and write down all of my thoughts and feelings so that I can go back to them a year from now and see how far I really have come in this battle 
4. Mental illness can be a beautiful thing 
5. Being judged.

1. This is pretty self explanatory. Mental illness is a never ending battle. A battle I will never stop fighting and a cause I will not stop fighting for. If one person took a minute of their day to listen to one thought a person with mental illness had, and actually listened to them, it could go a long way! 

2. Starting this blog, I realized I've been suppressing the thoughts of mental illness. I don't like to think of it that way! I like to think of it as I'm a normal person doing day-to-day activities and surviving and being happy. But some times that's not always the case. I use it as an excuse for a day I'm just not happy and I need to stop doing that. You're allowed to be unhappy some days or some days just not be up for anything. Mental illness is not an excuse! 

3. I know that over the past year I have changed a million times over. Not only by losing a 100 pounds and looking like a complete different person but also my thought process. I no longer think of it being weird that I'm an adult now. I'm an adult. That doesn't sound weird. I would love to see how my thought process changes from 24 to 25 as I take another step forward into adulthood. I want to be able to see all my thoughts and opinions and know those are my thoughts and opinions and not have anyone change them. That's a big issue for me personality wise. 

4. Today I watched an older episode of Extreme Weightloss (me and my roommate are big suckers for this show) where we met a lady named Jackie. Who became close to 130 pounds over weight because of emotional eating. When her son was 16 months old her nanny/caretaker shook her child which gave him serious brain damage. Although he was once blind, in a wheelchair and unable to have use of his hands, this now 17 year old boy can do all of those things. Mental illness can be a beautiful thing!

5. I don't want people to think that I think all mental illness is the same. I know its not. I know I don't have a very severe case of mental illness. That there aren't many out there more severe and others aren't harder to deal with. Absolutely it is and absolutely there are! I'm very fortunate. I know that. We all struggle and this blog is just an outlet for that. 

And since it is Thursday... 

a good #tbt never hurt anybody

..... well maybe it has lol

This was me Halloween a few years ago with my good friend Latiesha

vs.

The other day at the gym after a workout (don't mind the sweat)

I wouldn't change what I've been through for anything! It has gotten me to where I am today, and that is happy! 

With lots of love, 

Samantha 

Hello Blogger World!!!!

This is my first blog EVER, I'm intrigued by the little community that bloggers have! I've been reading many blogs on here for months and finally decided to make the decision to dip my toes in the water and try it out. 

Just a little bit about me and the reasons I'm trying not to shy away from the water. 

My name is Samantha

I'm 24 

 About two years ago I was diagnosed with a rare anxiety disorder called Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome (CVS as I will be calling it from here on out)

Just a little about CVS

CVS can be caused by many different things, not just anxiety, although anxiety and depression are two of its key triggers. CVS is usually found in children cause them to miss close to 50 days of school a year. There are not very many cases in adults, hence the reason I want to start this blog. Show the world that mental illness comes in all forms and not just what doctors believe it showed be labeled as. 

Personally, once I become anxious I get a nauseous feeling that I cannot shake. Even once I have fought the battle of trying to not be physically ill my body gives in, the nauseous feeling doesn't go away and I am stuck in the bathroom for the rest of the week. 

How it All Started

I had just graduated from University and was up to my neck in student loans (like most of us) and the anxiety of where all my money was going really started to get to me. I was running low and didn't have any employment. What's a girl to do but start working at a telemarketing agency. 

I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! DO NOT WORK FOR A TELEMARKETING AGENCY!!

You will hate your life! You will be mad you didn't listen to me! :) 

I have never been good with confrontation and having people calling me not knowing if they were going to yell at me, caused extreme extreme anxiety!! 

One day I woke up with this terrible feeling in the gut of my stomach, followed quickly by a run to the bathroom. I took weeks off of work, just starting a new job (they loved that) that made my nerves even worse. I worked myself up into a cycle! 

After a week of vomiting 20 times a day my mother decided to take me to the emergency room. I was extremely dehydrated at this point because even water wasn't staying down. 

SKIP FORWARD SIX MONTHS...

It had been six months with a whole week each month of vomiting 20 times a day, going to the hospital 4 times each time because of dehydration, and millions upon millions of blood tests, and my least favourite question with each visit "are you sure you're not pregnant?", they figured out that I had CVS. 

The telemarketing agency was not a fan of me by this point. They didn't want me there as much as I didn't want to be there. So I was forced to leave.

After months of trying to find the proper medication that didn't cause the CVS to trigger I was on the right track to becoming myself again. 

It's now been two and a half years since I started working at the telemarketing agency and it has not been an easy ride!!! 

Going out with friends would trigger the vomiting, going to concerts, going out for dinner, spending time with anybody who knew about my condition. It caused me extreme anxiety to be out in public. 

I lost a lot of friends! Not because they didn't care or that they weren't concerned, but because I thought it was easier to just push them aside. Now I don't talk to many of those friends. And I truly apologize to all of them for the ignorance that I had. I know that all you wanted to do was help me. But I couldn't even help myself!  

I had to push all of my issues aside and trust that the medication I was on was going to help! And I am so happy that I had such an amazing doctor that was patient and understood all of my concerns because I DID NOT want to go on medication. 

THE REASON FOR THE BLOG! 

Nobody knew what I was going through in my family or with my friends and I suffered silently. I let everyone believe that I didn't need the help that I could it for myself. It was something in my brain that I just had to flick a switch and I was going to be okay. 

That was not the case! 

I want other people suffering with mental illness to have an outlet. There are a million different types and once you realize and accept the fact that it is a mental illness you will feel a million times better! 

I didn't have an outlet to see that things will get better! That if I stick this plan that I have made myself that I have come to believe is going to fix itself. That my hard work is a process! 

I was tired of (and still am) of people saying "things are going to get better" 

I HATE THAT SAYING!! 

At first it was comforting! Things are going to get better! But as the months, weeks, and year passed things were not getting better. I was still struggling. I was still vomiting (although not as often). I was still lying to everyone at my feelings. 

Things did not get better! 

Once I started believing in the process I started to see changes. I had lost over 100 pounds from all the vomiting but I started running. I was never an active person but the running helped the anxiety without being medicated. Even though I still was. I felt that helping. 

I started looking for new jobs, ones that would make me feel better about myself. It was okay to say no to things! Saying no kept me sane! Kept me feeling like a normal person. 

It's now been six months of me being on the right track. I started working, ended up getting headhunted for a better position. Working full time with benefits, and am starting to actually see a difference in my Student Loan bills. 

Sorry for the long post! I promise they all won't be like this and they won't be this serious!! It's going to be my every day struggles as well as my everyday achievements!

Were going to go on this journey together! And together we can conquer our mental illness!! 

Please feel free to tell me your stories in the comments!! Let me know I'm also not alone!!

With lots of love, 

Samantha